Is there something that you regret doing, even if you still don't understand what happened?  I have regrets. Words I wish I could have taken back. Actions I want to undo. People I would like to see again.

I wish I could see my Grandma again. I didn't get to tell her good bye, and that sadness has lingered for 21 years. I miss her. My heart aches for her. When I see the front porch of her house (which I often do, because it's right behind me), I can almost see her swinging on the front porch, reading to me, or counting chimes from the Jewell clock tower.  I remember, vividly, practicing my competitive drama routines and waiting for her gentle and effective critiques. As I walk on the Square with my children, I can almost hear our giggles as we went to Brants for back to school shoes, then to Beggs for an ice cream soda.

I regret the last Christmas I spent with Mama. Especially since I should have picked up on it that we were all stressed. I shouldn't have let the words coming from my stepdad's mouth affect me. I should have stayed and taken it, instead of leaving. I thought I was doing the right thing, letting the family have Christmas without the black sheep around. I always make things stressful, I never fit in, not even in my own family. And I regret that I didn't stay and just have Christmas. I will never have that chance again, and it breaks my heart.

I regret moving to Texas. Yes, in hindsight, if we hadn't done it, we most likely wouldn't be where we are now. But I hated it there. I was mistreated because of my northern roots. I was made fun of because of my accent. I was promised things that never happened; birthday dinners, rose bushes to commemorate Grandpa's death, somebody to check on me while Darren was out of town, to make sure I was okay. I've been home longer than I was there, but the pain of the arrogance and snootiness of most of the people I ran into down there still lingers.  I absolutely regret pulling Emily down there. Texas was horrible for her, and she still hasn't recovered. She doesn't trust too easily. It's really sad.

I regret that I didn't get a degree in education. Mom was right! I'm just really stubborn, and I had to do it MY way. That didn't work out too well for me, did it? At least I'm getting somewhat fulfilled in my new job.

I regret wasting money on things that cause pain. Darren's Thunderbird. The Tempo. Two vacations when we didn't have money for it, to see a "friend" get married, only to realize those people didn't want my friendship. There's nothing quite like feeling used LOL

Now I have those regrets out there in the open. I will probably end up regretting what I've written here. That's okay. I'm dealing.