Regrets...I have a few
Is there something that you regret doing, even if you still don't understand what happened? I have regrets. Words I wish I could have taken back. Actions I want to undo. People I would like to see again.
I wish I could see my Grandma again. I didn't get to tell her good bye, and that sadness has lingered for 21 years. I miss her. My heart aches for her. When I see the front porch of her house (which I often do, because it's right behind me), I can almost see her swinging on the front porch, reading to me, or counting chimes from the Jewell clock tower. I remember, vividly, practicing my competitive drama routines and waiting for her gentle and effective critiques. As I walk on the Square with my children, I can almost hear our giggles as we went to Brants for back to school shoes, then to Beggs for an ice cream soda.
I regret the last Christmas I spent with Mama. Especially since I should have picked up on it that we were all stressed. I shouldn't have let the words coming from my stepdad's mouth affect me. I should have stayed and taken it, instead of leaving. I thought I was doing the right thing, letting the family have Christmas without the black sheep around. I always make things stressful, I never fit in, not even in my own family. And I regret that I didn't stay and just have Christmas. I will never have that chance again, and it breaks my heart.
I regret moving to Texas. Yes, in hindsight, if we hadn't done it, we most likely wouldn't be where we are now. But I hated it there. I was mistreated because of my northern roots. I was made fun of because of my accent. I was promised things that never happened; birthday dinners, rose bushes to commemorate Grandpa's death, somebody to check on me while Darren was out of town, to make sure I was okay. I've been home longer than I was there, but the pain of the arrogance and snootiness of most of the people I ran into down there still lingers. I absolutely regret pulling Emily down there. Texas was horrible for her, and she still hasn't recovered. She doesn't trust too easily. It's really sad.
I regret that I didn't get a degree in education. Mom was right! I'm just really stubborn, and I had to do it MY way. That didn't work out too well for me, did it? At least I'm getting somewhat fulfilled in my new job.
I regret wasting money on things that cause pain. Darren's Thunderbird. The Tempo. Two vacations when we didn't have money for it, to see a "friend" get married, only to realize those people didn't want my friendship. There's nothing quite like feeling used LOL
Now I have those regrets out there in the open. I will probably end up regretting what I've written here. That's okay. I'm dealing.
I wish I could see my Grandma again. I didn't get to tell her good bye, and that sadness has lingered for 21 years. I miss her. My heart aches for her. When I see the front porch of her house (which I often do, because it's right behind me), I can almost see her swinging on the front porch, reading to me, or counting chimes from the Jewell clock tower. I remember, vividly, practicing my competitive drama routines and waiting for her gentle and effective critiques. As I walk on the Square with my children, I can almost hear our giggles as we went to Brants for back to school shoes, then to Beggs for an ice cream soda.
I regret the last Christmas I spent with Mama. Especially since I should have picked up on it that we were all stressed. I shouldn't have let the words coming from my stepdad's mouth affect me. I should have stayed and taken it, instead of leaving. I thought I was doing the right thing, letting the family have Christmas without the black sheep around. I always make things stressful, I never fit in, not even in my own family. And I regret that I didn't stay and just have Christmas. I will never have that chance again, and it breaks my heart.
I regret moving to Texas. Yes, in hindsight, if we hadn't done it, we most likely wouldn't be where we are now. But I hated it there. I was mistreated because of my northern roots. I was made fun of because of my accent. I was promised things that never happened; birthday dinners, rose bushes to commemorate Grandpa's death, somebody to check on me while Darren was out of town, to make sure I was okay. I've been home longer than I was there, but the pain of the arrogance and snootiness of most of the people I ran into down there still lingers. I absolutely regret pulling Emily down there. Texas was horrible for her, and she still hasn't recovered. She doesn't trust too easily. It's really sad.
I regret that I didn't get a degree in education. Mom was right! I'm just really stubborn, and I had to do it MY way. That didn't work out too well for me, did it? At least I'm getting somewhat fulfilled in my new job.
I regret wasting money on things that cause pain. Darren's Thunderbird. The Tempo. Two vacations when we didn't have money for it, to see a "friend" get married, only to realize those people didn't want my friendship. There's nothing quite like feeling used LOL
Now I have those regrets out there in the open. I will probably end up regretting what I've written here. That's okay. I'm dealing.
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5/2/2009 10:35 PM
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I'm praying for you, Val. Ultimately we can only find true fulfillment when we seek it in our identity as a loved child of God. There is nothing we can do, or NOT do to make Him love us more. Knowing that gives me such peace. We all have regrets, that is normal... learning to let them go and not wallow in them is key. But it doesn't make it less hard. ((HUGS))
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Valerie, I love your openness. Regrets happen. I think we all have them. I think we are supposed to use them as learning opportunities. If we were perfect, we would not be human. If our intentions and actions come from love, then I think we are at least acting on the right track ... even if we end up with regrets.
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I try to make a conscious choice not to focus on regrets. Hindsight is 20/20, and dwelling on regrets based on choices that seemed good, or were the best choice at the time, is just destructive emotionally AND spiritually. In my view, it's best to forgive and move on.
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I agree with Pattie, you can't live in the past or change it, so recalling all your regrets will only hold you back and you aren't moving forward. I think you need to let go.
I did want to also comment on your move, you have to realize that many people move all over the country and world for various reasons with much different results. I've lived in 4 diverse states in my life and I think in life you make the most of what you have at the moment. Looking back you may need to look for the good you found in each place, at each time, but there was likely some redeaming moments.
I say, ok, done, now no more need to drag up these regrets again, or any others for that matter.
You are the person you are today for what you have lived through.
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I'm sorry you had a rough time in Texas. I, born in New England, with parents who have heavy New England accents, am obviously not from the South as soon as I open my mouth. I'm glad to say that I've NEVER had that experience in Texas. All of DH's extended family are from there, so I've been to Texas many times. When we fled Hurricane Ivan, that's where we went. All along the way, people were sooooo very nice. I guess I've just been lucky.
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I can relate well to you that’s why I learn from my mistakes. It’s hard to let go for someone when you know that you really love them but you can’t find way to express it to them or at least trying to let them know what you feel about them. That’s why I decided to live my life to the fullest, love as if there’s no tomorrow because we never know if they will go away from you or you are to them. Live as if there’s no tomorrow, as if this day is the last day of your life on Earth so that when times comes, your day or his day is finally over, you have nothing to regret and all you can say is that “Mission Accomplish”. LOL
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Thanks for the post!
Amity
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