I have had a lot of pain and anger in my life, and I have always come through it, stronger, smarter, and with a new set of reality.  For much of my life, I have been God's buddy, listening to what I thought he was saying. I'd sneak under my covers late at night to read my Bible in my non-churched home. I prayed. I endlessly prayed. Whenever I heard God say to do something, I've blindly followed. It's led me, mostly, to some pretty negative things. He led me to befriend the "lost people" at school, and that ruined my reputation. He led me to friends in college; one who raped me. He led me to Texas. I'm still not sure how I survived that. He led me home, but gave me no direction.

The times in my life when I haven't had Christ first and foremost in my life have been times when I have benefitted the most. I ended up with my husband. I had 3 miracle children. All without asking for God, or even inviting him into my life.

The times in my life when I have had God, have led to the most pain. The loss of my mom and Grandpa, the Texas experiment, coming home.

Despite that, I knew that it often took God many, many years, even a lifetime, for his plan to unfold.

It just seems like suddenly, I can't do it anymore. I am completely miserable. I am advised time and time again to let go and let God do his work, but I'm tired of doing that, and falling hard.  I am broken. I am bruised. I am sick. I can't do it anymore.  I'm not Job. I can't tell you how many people I've said that to lately.

I keep getting mixed signals; It's not about MY happiness, it's about following God. Then in the same breath, I can't be happy without following God's lead. I've tried to follow God's lead. How happy do I sound?

Fine. Job is a recurring theme. Either from the stupid comparisons, to the fact that, well, I want a job. So let me read this fine little book in the Bible. Whatever. It will prove nothing.

I love this:

After this, Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth. 2 He said:

 3 "May the day of my birth perish,
       and the night it was said, 'A boy is born!'

 4 That day—may it turn to darkness;
       may God above not care about it;
       may no light shine upon it.

 5 May darkness and deep shadow ^[a] claim it once more;
       may a cloud settle over it;
       may blackness overwhelm its light.

 6 That night—may thick darkness seize it;
       may it not be included among the days of the year
       nor be entered in any of the months.

 7 May that night be barren;
       may no shout of joy be heard in it.

 8 May those who curse days ^[b] curse that day,
       those who are ready to rouse Leviathan.

 9 May its morning stars become dark;
       may it wait for daylight in vain
       and not see the first rays of dawn,

 10 for it did not shut the doors of the womb on me
       to hide trouble from my eyes.

 11 "Why did I not perish at birth,
       and die as I came from the womb?

 12 Why were there knees to receive me
       and breasts that I might be nursed?

 13 For now I would be lying down in peace;
       I would be asleep and at rest

 14 with kings and counselors of the earth,
       who built for themselves places now lying in ruins,

 15 with rulers who had gold,
       who filled their houses with silver.

 16 Or why was I not hidden in the ground like a stillborn child,
       like an infant who never saw the light of day?

 17 There the wicked cease from turmoil,
       and there the weary are at rest.

 18 Captives also enjoy their ease;
       they no longer hear the slave driver's shout.

 19 The small and the great are there,
       and the slave is freed from his master.

 20 "Why is light given to those in misery,
       and life to the bitter of soul,

 21 to those who long for death that does not come,
       who search for it more than for hidden treasure,

 22 who are filled with gladness
       and rejoice when they reach the grave?

 23 Why is life given to a man
       whose way is hidden,
       whom God has hedged in?

 24 For sighing comes to me instead of food;
       my groans pour out like water.

 25 What I feared has come upon me;
       what I dreaded has happened to me.

 26 I have no peace, no quietness;
       I have no rest, but only turmoil."

I guess I have to keep reading.