Am I a terrible mom?
I honestly think I am. I try so hard to be a good mom that, well, sometimes it just makes me a terrible mom. That's so hard for me to write, because I pride myself on being the cool mom. But.I'm.not. That's a hard pill to swallow.
No, I'm going somewhere with this. Please hang on for the ride.
My pre-teen daughter is not a leader. She follows the pack. She USED to be the leader, somebody everyone looked up to. Then we moved to Texas, she was humiliated by a weakened school system, described as quiet and shy (EMILY?!?) and deemed stupid. Then we moved back to Missouri, where everyone is supportive and encouraging, and she just didn't know how to handle it. So now, she follows. And she's made some bad decisions.
About a year ago, she had a friend I'll call Anne, and another friend I'll call Katie. She and Katie played softball together, and she and Anne had gone to 5th grade together. These girls were a little rough around the edges, but I attributed that to the fact that these girls both spent a lot of time raising themselves. Heck, there were plenty of parents who must have thought that of me growing up!
But I digress.
One Friday night last year, when they were in 6th grade, Emily invited Anne and Katie over to spend the night and go roller skating. The next morning, I found the bathroom window upstairs WIDE OPEN. Anne had gone home by this time, but Emily and Katie were outside, on the roof of the kitchen. I was livid. That is an established rule in my house, and my daughter BROKE IT. I went off. Completely came unglued. Yelled at Emily until she cried. Asked her why she did it She didn't know. I told her that if she something this stupid when her friends were around, then those friends obviously caused her to make bad decisions. I told her friend to get her stuff, that because Emily had broken that rule, the friend had to go home. I never allowed Em to hang out with that friend again.
Fast forward to tonight. It's the fall festival. Emily is safely ensconced at Girl Scout camp, so she can't make bad decisions (HA, don't EVEN ask me about that one). DH and I took the boys to the fair. As I was shopping in the craft tents, Darren had the boys in line, waiting for a ride. Later, I found Darren talking to this really Goth looking group of kids (you know...long black hair, dark makeup, dark clothes). As I approached, one of the kids says, "Oh, and THAT'S her." and shot me a dirty look as she pointed at me. Okayyy....
Turns out, this was Katie and Anne. I absolutely didn't recognize them. They had changed drastically. Became what we called hoods back in high school. OH MY GOSH. I was shocked at the difference.
Later, Darren told me that Katie had approached him and said, "You're Emily Gallup's dad, aren't you?" He said yes. She reminded him who she was and said, "Did you divorce your wife? She's a b****. I hate her. That night I spent the night, she made me cry, and truth is, it was Emily, NOT me, who opened that window. I've always felt sorry for Emily having HER for a mom." Wow.
Now I have all of these feelings of shame going through me. I claim to love kids, but did I say something on that day that caused this child to lose hope, and become this dark hearted teen that she is now? Is Emily suffering because I'm her mom? Do I yell too much? Do I embarass Em too much? Do I keep her from making mistakes that will help her to succeed as she grows?
Emily isn't perfect. God knows I pray for that girl. She does things that really concern me, because she simply doesn't think them through. Am I handling the repercussions wrong?
There are just days, like today, when I hate being a parent. Here I am, just getting back to the point where I have confidence to go out in public again, and I'm hit in the face that this girl (and probably her friends) hate me. I feel like I've ruined my daughter's life.
No, I'm going somewhere with this. Please hang on for the ride.
My pre-teen daughter is not a leader. She follows the pack. She USED to be the leader, somebody everyone looked up to. Then we moved to Texas, she was humiliated by a weakened school system, described as quiet and shy (EMILY?!?) and deemed stupid. Then we moved back to Missouri, where everyone is supportive and encouraging, and she just didn't know how to handle it. So now, she follows. And she's made some bad decisions.
About a year ago, she had a friend I'll call Anne, and another friend I'll call Katie. She and Katie played softball together, and she and Anne had gone to 5th grade together. These girls were a little rough around the edges, but I attributed that to the fact that these girls both spent a lot of time raising themselves. Heck, there were plenty of parents who must have thought that of me growing up!
But I digress.
One Friday night last year, when they were in 6th grade, Emily invited Anne and Katie over to spend the night and go roller skating. The next morning, I found the bathroom window upstairs WIDE OPEN. Anne had gone home by this time, but Emily and Katie were outside, on the roof of the kitchen. I was livid. That is an established rule in my house, and my daughter BROKE IT. I went off. Completely came unglued. Yelled at Emily until she cried. Asked her why she did it She didn't know. I told her that if she something this stupid when her friends were around, then those friends obviously caused her to make bad decisions. I told her friend to get her stuff, that because Emily had broken that rule, the friend had to go home. I never allowed Em to hang out with that friend again.
Fast forward to tonight. It's the fall festival. Emily is safely ensconced at Girl Scout camp, so she can't make bad decisions (HA, don't EVEN ask me about that one). DH and I took the boys to the fair. As I was shopping in the craft tents, Darren had the boys in line, waiting for a ride. Later, I found Darren talking to this really Goth looking group of kids (you know...long black hair, dark makeup, dark clothes). As I approached, one of the kids says, "Oh, and THAT'S her." and shot me a dirty look as she pointed at me. Okayyy....
Turns out, this was Katie and Anne. I absolutely didn't recognize them. They had changed drastically. Became what we called hoods back in high school. OH MY GOSH. I was shocked at the difference.
Later, Darren told me that Katie had approached him and said, "You're Emily Gallup's dad, aren't you?" He said yes. She reminded him who she was and said, "Did you divorce your wife? She's a b****. I hate her. That night I spent the night, she made me cry, and truth is, it was Emily, NOT me, who opened that window. I've always felt sorry for Emily having HER for a mom." Wow.
Now I have all of these feelings of shame going through me. I claim to love kids, but did I say something on that day that caused this child to lose hope, and become this dark hearted teen that she is now? Is Emily suffering because I'm her mom? Do I yell too much? Do I embarass Em too much? Do I keep her from making mistakes that will help her to succeed as she grows?
Emily isn't perfect. God knows I pray for that girl. She does things that really concern me, because she simply doesn't think them through. Am I handling the repercussions wrong?
There are just days, like today, when I hate being a parent. Here I am, just getting back to the point where I have confidence to go out in public again, and I'm hit in the face that this girl (and probably her friends) hate me. I feel like I've ruined my daughter's life.
Val,
UT OH here I am again dropping in on you. You are a MOM, not a best friend. Darrin is a DAD, not a best friend. Parents. There to make sure that your kids don't end up like the two in your blog, well it is impossible to guarantee that, but with loving parents and some parenting, likely it will not happen. The two kids you talk about don't have that. Much like us when we grew up. Or at least me any how. I had no idea how to cope with any thing, no parents around to show me the right way through life. I sometimes struggle with this myself, about my daughters, but I refuse to allow them to do what everyone else does. I am a loving dad, that cares, my kids will not run amuk if I can help it. Yes sometimes the heavy hand of a father is around, but my daughters know exactly what to expect. My 12 year old would very much like for me to allow her to wear low cut shirts, she is well endowed up there, and she already knows it. But I will not allow her to wear those shirts. It is very hard to shop for clothes for either of my girls, everything has something sexy written all over it. Maybe I am just more aware of it all now, thanks to Lorri. I just try and remember how I want them to turn out. People are products of their surroundings, if they grow up with no surroundings they have to create there own. It sounds to me like you have feelings, that is good, it tells me that you are human.
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