A bit of a depression
I just came to the conclusion, that I think I'm battling a bit of depression.
Now, for those who don't know me...I tend to have depression. The entire time I was in Texas, I was on antidepressants (so was everyone I knew down there...we popped our Effexor like candy...anybody think that's a coincidence?). I've had down times for many years. There were times I actually wanted to hurt myself. But I haven't needed any prescriptions for depression since I came home. I don't think that's a coincidence, either!
I don't feel severely depressed right now. Just a little down. I know it's because of my insomnia. Yep, still battling that. I'm so tired right now that I am continuously yawning, and my eyes itch. But I can't sleep.
And I haven't been called for an interview for the position I really, really, really want at the college. But it's still up on the site. So either they don't want me, they've found somebody else, or they haven't figured out who to interview yet.
I did find an opening at the college for "Housekeeper at the President's home." I can't clean my own house. I have Molly Maids. There is no way I can qualify for THAT job. Darren just said, "You won't even get an interview. Don't even try."
Why couldn't I have done something special with my life? If I had gotten a master's degree, I could go out for assistant professor of communication (that position is open). Everyone I know has furthered their education. Not me.
Maybe I'm not depressed. Maybe I'm just exhausted. I don't really have friends I can chat with, nobody to go out to lunch with. Twice lately, I've tried sharing things with a couple of people, and was shut down, literally, mid sentence. Made to feel like I was a burden. What I was saying wasn't important. When that happens, then I tend to withdraw a bit.
I just want to sleep. I also want to read the Bible. But, apparently, those are two things I'm not allowed to do.
So PFffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
Aren't you glad you stopped by now? HA!
Now, for those who don't know me...I tend to have depression. The entire time I was in Texas, I was on antidepressants (so was everyone I knew down there...we popped our Effexor like candy...anybody think that's a coincidence?). I've had down times for many years. There were times I actually wanted to hurt myself. But I haven't needed any prescriptions for depression since I came home. I don't think that's a coincidence, either!
I don't feel severely depressed right now. Just a little down. I know it's because of my insomnia. Yep, still battling that. I'm so tired right now that I am continuously yawning, and my eyes itch. But I can't sleep.
And I haven't been called for an interview for the position I really, really, really want at the college. But it's still up on the site. So either they don't want me, they've found somebody else, or they haven't figured out who to interview yet.
I did find an opening at the college for "Housekeeper at the President's home." I can't clean my own house. I have Molly Maids. There is no way I can qualify for THAT job. Darren just said, "You won't even get an interview. Don't even try."
Why couldn't I have done something special with my life? If I had gotten a master's degree, I could go out for assistant professor of communication (that position is open). Everyone I know has furthered their education. Not me.
Maybe I'm not depressed. Maybe I'm just exhausted. I don't really have friends I can chat with, nobody to go out to lunch with. Twice lately, I've tried sharing things with a couple of people, and was shut down, literally, mid sentence. Made to feel like I was a burden. What I was saying wasn't important. When that happens, then I tend to withdraw a bit.
I just want to sleep. I also want to read the Bible. But, apparently, those are two things I'm not allowed to do.
So PFffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
Aren't you glad you stopped by now? HA!
I love you!!! I know how you feel...I'm better this week but it's tough to be "up" sometimes. And I haven't been chatty lately, either.
Reply to this
Valerie! ILU! I sooo know what you are saying...it is hard being up all the time, try not being so hard on yourself, you dont have to be perfect to be a good wife, a good mother, a good friend, a good business woman...you just need to be wonderful you.
Greatness isnt measured by the worlds standards, but by Gods...it's in hugs and kisses given and gotten, stolen moments and glances with those you love, fighting & struggling thru and marching on inspite of, loving when it hurts, forgiving when it is hard, rejoicing when there is restoration...leaving a legacy of truth, realness, and transparency of faith that our children can pass on & witness in the name of Christ...that is greatness...and I believe you have ALL the markings of greatness!
If you need to talk, I WILL listen, k? Call me, I care and I KNOW that others do too! *MWAH*11
Reply to this
...from Oswald Chambers...
THE SACRAMENT OF SACRIFICE
"He that believeth in Me . . out of him shall flow. . . ." John 7:38
Jesus did not say - "he that believeth in Me shall realize the blessing of the fulness of God," but - "he that believeth in Me out of him shall escape everything he receives." Our Lord's teaching is always anti-self-realization. His purpose is not the development of a man; His purpose is to make a man exactly like Himself, and the characteristic of the Son of God is self-expenditure. If we believe in Jesus, it is not what we gain, but what He pours through us that counts. It is not that God makes us beautifully rounded grapes, but that He squeezes the sweetness out of us. Spiritually, we cannot measure our life by success, but only by what God pours through us, and we cannot measure that at all.
When Mary of Bethany broke the box of precious ointment and poured it on Jesus' head, it was an act for which no one else saw any occasion; the disciples said it was a waste. But Jesus commended Mary for her extravagant act of devotion, and said that wherever His gospel was preached "this also that she hath done shall be spoken of for a memorial of her." Our Lord is carried beyond Himself with joy when He sees any of us doing what Mary did, not being set on this or that economy, but being abandoned to Him. God spilt the life of His Son that the world might be saved; are we prepared to spill out our lives for Him?
"He that believeth in Me out of him shall flow rivers of living water" - hundreds of other lives will be continually refreshed. It is time now to break the life, to cease craving for satisfaction, and to spill the thing out. Our Lord is asking who of us will do it for Him?
Reply to this
...from Oswald Chambers...
DIFFUSIVENESS OF LIFE
"Rivers of living water." John 7:38
A river touches places of which its source knows nothing, and Jesus says if we have received of His fulness, however small the visible measure of our lives, out of us will flow the rivers that will bless to the uttermost parts of the earth. We have nothing to do with the outflow - "This is the work of God that ye believe. . . ." God rarely allows a soul to see how great a blessing he is.
A river is victoriously persistent, it overcomes all barriers. For a while it goes steadily on its course, then it comes to an obstacle and for a while it is baulked, but it soon makes a pathway round the obstacle. Or a river will drop out of sight for miles, and presently emerge again broader and grander than ever. You can see God using some lives, but into your life an obstacle has come and you do not seem to be of any use. Keep paying attention to the Source, and God will either take you round the obstacle or remove it. The river of the Spirit of God overcomes all obstacles. Never get your eyes on the obstacle or on the difficulty. The obstacle is a matter of indifference to the river which will flow steadily through you if you remember to keep right at the Source. Never allow anything to come between yourself and Jesus Christ, no emotion, or experience; nothing must keep you from the one great sovereign Source.
Think of the healing and far-flung rivers nursing themselves in our souls! God has been opening up marvellous truths to our minds, and every point He has opened up is an indication of the wider power of the river He will flow through us. If you believe in Jesus, you will find that God has nourished in you mighty torrents of blessing for others.
Reply to this
Hi, I have you on my blogfeeder now. I'm sorry to hear you aren't feeling to good. I've never had severe depression, but I understand it can be very difficult. I struggle with get myself to get into the Word too. Bible studies are often easier for me than just reading thru the Bible. I'm trying tho. I have a Bible I really like with lots of notes and that helps. I like the Beth Moore bible studies. You can do them on line or Christian Book Distributers sells some of her workbooks. I use the workbooks because I learn better if I can write something down. Take care and God bless. Linda
Reply to this
Linda,
Thank you for your sweetness. I'm feeling much better now!
I'm excited to be on your blog feed. Thank you for adding me.
Valerie
Reply to this