I'm really in a flux right now
Sometimes I get this feeling in my tummy, that my life isn't going along as God intended. I don't think it's really cruise control; rather, it's just this feeling that my life is spiraling out of control, although nothing has changed course.
I'm struggling right now. I don't want to work. When I hear people saying they volunteer at their kids' schools, go work out during the day, sleep in, etc, I get...JEALOUS! I know that's not how it's supposed to be! I want that, though. I don't want to constantly worry about my work load. I don't want to be concerned about paying for the future. I want to go to the library. Sit at Starbucks and sip an iced latte while reading a book I got from the library. Join a reading challenge. Write.
I've always known I'm too free of a spirit to sit at a desk from 9-5 for my entire working life. I want to be out and about! I want to experience life! Growing up, I was always taught that I was LUCKY to have my life. My stepdad crushed it into my brain that I had to work to earn my keep. So while my wonderful husband is telling me to stop working so hard, I feel so guilty about it. Will I be earning my keep if I don't work?
And, it's my heart's desire to work at the college where my whole family has worked. But I don't want to do that until the kids are older, because I want to work there while I can earn free tuition for them. I don't want to start working there until Emily is 15...that's 3 years away. If I stop working now, will that gap look suspicious? I seriously sit up worrying about that.
I lost a client this week. That happens in my business. It usually causes me to reflect on my job performance. With this client, though, I don't care that I lost him! He's a wonderful person. I really enjoyed working for him. But it doesn't bother my that I lost him. That scares me. I don't think it's good for me to search for new clients right now, because I really don't care.
Why can't I just sit down and write a national best seller, and sit around reaping the rewards of my efforts from my royalty checks? Ha ha ha. I know. But still.
So, where do I go from here?
I'm struggling right now. I don't want to work. When I hear people saying they volunteer at their kids' schools, go work out during the day, sleep in, etc, I get...JEALOUS! I know that's not how it's supposed to be! I want that, though. I don't want to constantly worry about my work load. I don't want to be concerned about paying for the future. I want to go to the library. Sit at Starbucks and sip an iced latte while reading a book I got from the library. Join a reading challenge. Write.
I've always known I'm too free of a spirit to sit at a desk from 9-5 for my entire working life. I want to be out and about! I want to experience life! Growing up, I was always taught that I was LUCKY to have my life. My stepdad crushed it into my brain that I had to work to earn my keep. So while my wonderful husband is telling me to stop working so hard, I feel so guilty about it. Will I be earning my keep if I don't work?
And, it's my heart's desire to work at the college where my whole family has worked. But I don't want to do that until the kids are older, because I want to work there while I can earn free tuition for them. I don't want to start working there until Emily is 15...that's 3 years away. If I stop working now, will that gap look suspicious? I seriously sit up worrying about that.
I lost a client this week. That happens in my business. It usually causes me to reflect on my job performance. With this client, though, I don't care that I lost him! He's a wonderful person. I really enjoyed working for him. But it doesn't bother my that I lost him. That scares me. I don't think it's good for me to search for new clients right now, because I really don't care.
Why can't I just sit down and write a national best seller, and sit around reaping the rewards of my efforts from my royalty checks? Ha ha ha. I know. But still.
So, where do I go from here?
I am sooooo feeling you on this ne. Dont want to sit here answering calls all day long for the rest of my life either! I want to embrace life and write the things that God has in my heart, sometimes I dont know if I am on the right path or not, if this part of life is preparing me for that part of my life, kwim? Anyway, just wanted you to KNOW you aint alone girlfriend! ILU! *MWAH*
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I wish I knew. I feel like I should be doing more with my time & talent & earning something also, but I just cannot get a job outside the home right now. I feel as if I'm aimlessly wandering.....
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